How to Offer Style Advice to Others

A reader emailed me (I really do enjoy hearing from people!), suggesting a fabulous question and idea for a post topic:

 

“How do you tell someone you know who is Trans that they need some help 

with what to wear [and how to present]?”

Thank you so much for sending this suggestion in! I love this idea for two reasons. The first is that I see this very issue as a huge impediment to how well the trans community as a whole presents itself. Secondly, I think both the question itself and the answer speak to the need for camaraderie within the trans community on a personal level between individuals. The truth is that most trans-women must learn presentations skills on their own, with very little help from others, and no prior knowledge or experience from which to draw. Frankly, it’s a recipe for disaster. What people truly need is a fashionable “sister” or “girl friend” to help them along, unfortunately finding someone to fit that role isn’t always easy. This is one of the reasons I started this blog. I hope that in a small way I can fill in that role for folks who may not have someone like that in their lives.

In a previous post, “Improving the Trans Community on an Individual Basis” I touched upon the foundation of ideas surrounding the way we see ourselves, the way others see us, and how we are a combination of these two views. I think it is a relevant discussion worth reading (or re-reading) as we go further into the question at hand.

I have to be honest, this may be disagreeable to some, but it’s a dis-service not to be candid. Realize that not everyone is qualified to give advice, even with the best intentions. This is true for trans-women and cis-gender women alike. Realize that “you” may not be qualified to give advice, that’s fine, because everyone is qualified to learn more so that they can eventually. What makes me qualified? I’ve had phenomenal teachers, I’m passionate about the subject, I have relevant experience, and I spend a lot of time researching to learn more. I’ll be the first to admit that I am always learning and make plenty of mistakes, but I also believe in order to truly understand something, one must be able to teach it to another. Learning to give advice is a perfect way to truly internalize lessons for yourself as well as help others.

As you’ve probably notice by now, my style of suggestion tries very hard to avoid saying “Don’t wear this, Don’t do that” though sometimes its unavoidable. I think focusing on things that help, and things a person CAN do is a much more positive way of learning. There’s too much advice floating around out there about what not to do, its a negatively toned approach. I've always found that being positive is a better strategy.

Here are my tips for giving others advice, be warned, it’s a dangerous business, and people are often vulnerable. With the right approach however, it can make a world of difference for someone:

• Be sure it is someone you know personally and with whom you have developed a solid relationship. Never offer style advice to people you don’t know unless for some reason they specifically ask for it. It’s rude to approach someone solely for this purpose. If you really feel strongly that they need help, make friends with them, invest the time in a friendship and then offer your advice. Trust me, it will be much more warmly received. As painful as it may be to everyone else, some folks are stubborn and just don’t want advice… if you find someone like that, don’t waste your energy trying to “convert” them, eventually they’ll learn things despite themselves.

• Offer compliments sparingly, especially online. If everyone reading this remembers only one thing, let this be it! The less you compliment, the more each one will mean. I know that the urge to support each other is strong, and well intended, however offering hollow positive feedback online is a plague of the community. I cringe every time I see a gaudy picture with a string of comments on it of how awesome the person looks. There is a nuanced difference between encouragement and compliments… one does not always have to compliment to offer encouragement. Stray compliments serve only to reinforce bad habits.

• Structure comments in the following way: Praise, Suggestion, Praise. This is a strategy I learned while teaching music (a previous pastime of mine), and it is very effective at a positively structuring criticism. For example: “I can tell you’re really putting a lot of effort towards the way you present. Perhaps as you continue, try an A-line style to accentuate your hips. Overall though your look is very put-together.” The praise should always be honest, as it serves to soften the impact of the criticism and offer encouragement to the process of improving.

• Keep learning things yourself and encourage those you care about to learn as well. Suggest resources to help with learning presentation skills. Hint! Hint! Make learning a collective activity. Commit to not giving advice on things you don’t know about… it’s harder than it sounds, and finally learn the difference between your personal taste, and advice applicable to everyone.

• Take your own advice and lead by example. Sometimes the best “advice” a person can offer is to simply be a quiet example for others to follow. Strive to present well, be classy, and teach by showing rather than telling.

I would love to be an honest resource for anyone out there that needs help, I’m simply an email away. Even if its just a quick question, or a “Does this look alright?”, I’m happy to answer anything that I can.

As always, be sure to “like” A Stylish Transition on Facebook and share with all of your friends!

Reader Questions - Part 1

Here is the first batch of reader submitted questions… I love answer questions and will do my best to find the answers to anything I don’t know (such service!). Hopefully my answers are helpful!

“Where do you find cute and stylish comfortable shoes that you can walk in for more than 5 minutes?” - Sarah

High heels can definitely be a pain in the foot, especially if you’re not used to them or on your feet for any good amount of time. My strategy is typically to avoid stilettos or anything above 3”  unless its really a special occasion (I know, I’m a party pooper!). The wider/larger (not taller!) a heel the easier and more comfortable they’ll be to walk in because the shoe gives your foot more support. I tend to wear those styles more often. Also, they make many different pads to slip under your foot that give an extra cushion to make heels much more bearable… here’s one from Dr. Scholls. Finally, you can also try the old “bait and switch”, bring a pair of ballet slipper style flats with you in your purse and then switch to those if your feet hurt or you end up having to do more walking than planned. Again, Dr. Scholls to the rescue (there are many other brands and styles out there too), I’ve seen these at walmart and many other stores… they’re cheap and compact, perfect to stick in a purse. 

“I am looking for lipsticks that don't leave a pink shadow when you want to go back to boy mode. Pink lips are lovely when in a dress but not so good at the office!”

 – Cindy

Well, I’m certainly not a makeup connoisseur, however I can answer this one for you. It actually has much less to do with the lipstick itself and more with the condition of your lips. Dry lips will absorb lipstick more readily, so be sure to keep them moist with chapstick or balm as much as is possible. This should help at least reduce the problem. Another trick to try is to put foundation or concealer over your lips prior to apply lipstick, I’ve never done this myself but have heard it can work well. In that case the foundation absorbs the pigment rather than your lips and when you’re done… viola it all comes off together! (or so the theory goes).

“How about [posting] a list of do’s and dont’s for nail polish... its something I havent seen done yet.” - Amanda

I found a list of links a while back, pretty much anything you could want about the "how to's" of apply and being creative with nail polish... as for the style... it's all a matter of personal taste. Personally I love the look of a nice classic, clean French manicure and I’m not a big fan of crazy bright colors, however that can be fun too! It’s all what you enjoy, just make sure its appropriate to your situation. Pinterest has a million crazy ideas for unique nails so check it out if you are ever in need of inspiration.

Check out the “27 Nail hacks For The Perfect DIY Manicure”

“I fell in love with and just purchase a pair of brown boots. All my other ones were black. I have no problem coordinating shoes with outfits but how does one decide with it comes with boots if you should wear brown or black? Is there any rules you have?” – Stephanie

There really isn't a particular "rule" to decide when to wear what, both are basically neutral colors. It also depends largely on what else you are wearing. One thing to consider is the color of whatever you are wearing on the bottom half of your body... if you match the colors, say black boots with something else black (leggings for example) this keeps the line of the leg intact, if you use different colors it'll divide the height of the leg up, potentially making your legs look shorter. That is not the end of the world though, just make sure the shoe color makes sense with the rest of the outfit.



 My personal tastes usually pair brown boots with more casual looks and/or earth tone colors because that is a color scheme I use a lot (also, my brown boots are a more casual style). Black boots can sometimes be very "heavy" visually because they are so dark, so balancing that out with other black pieces in an outfit is usually what I aim to do.

A big thank you to everyone who submitted questions!

If you have a question about anything feel free to send it in via:

“A Stylish Transition” on Facebook

or

Email me directly: astylishtransition@gmail.com

Hope my answers have been helpful and that I’ll hear more questions from everyone in the future!