How to Offer Style Advice to Others

A reader emailed me (I really do enjoy hearing from people!), suggesting a fabulous question and idea for a post topic:

 

“How do you tell someone you know who is Trans that they need some help 

with what to wear [and how to present]?”

Thank you so much for sending this suggestion in! I love this idea for two reasons. The first is that I see this very issue as a huge impediment to how well the trans community as a whole presents itself. Secondly, I think both the question itself and the answer speak to the need for camaraderie within the trans community on a personal level between individuals. The truth is that most trans-women must learn presentations skills on their own, with very little help from others, and no prior knowledge or experience from which to draw. Frankly, it’s a recipe for disaster. What people truly need is a fashionable “sister” or “girl friend” to help them along, unfortunately finding someone to fit that role isn’t always easy. This is one of the reasons I started this blog. I hope that in a small way I can fill in that role for folks who may not have someone like that in their lives.

In a previous post, “Improving the Trans Community on an Individual Basis” I touched upon the foundation of ideas surrounding the way we see ourselves, the way others see us, and how we are a combination of these two views. I think it is a relevant discussion worth reading (or re-reading) as we go further into the question at hand.

I have to be honest, this may be disagreeable to some, but it’s a dis-service not to be candid. Realize that not everyone is qualified to give advice, even with the best intentions. This is true for trans-women and cis-gender women alike. Realize that “you” may not be qualified to give advice, that’s fine, because everyone is qualified to learn more so that they can eventually. What makes me qualified? I’ve had phenomenal teachers, I’m passionate about the subject, I have relevant experience, and I spend a lot of time researching to learn more. I’ll be the first to admit that I am always learning and make plenty of mistakes, but I also believe in order to truly understand something, one must be able to teach it to another. Learning to give advice is a perfect way to truly internalize lessons for yourself as well as help others.

As you’ve probably notice by now, my style of suggestion tries very hard to avoid saying “Don’t wear this, Don’t do that” though sometimes its unavoidable. I think focusing on things that help, and things a person CAN do is a much more positive way of learning. There’s too much advice floating around out there about what not to do, its a negatively toned approach. I've always found that being positive is a better strategy.

Here are my tips for giving others advice, be warned, it’s a dangerous business, and people are often vulnerable. With the right approach however, it can make a world of difference for someone:

• Be sure it is someone you know personally and with whom you have developed a solid relationship. Never offer style advice to people you don’t know unless for some reason they specifically ask for it. It’s rude to approach someone solely for this purpose. If you really feel strongly that they need help, make friends with them, invest the time in a friendship and then offer your advice. Trust me, it will be much more warmly received. As painful as it may be to everyone else, some folks are stubborn and just don’t want advice… if you find someone like that, don’t waste your energy trying to “convert” them, eventually they’ll learn things despite themselves.

• Offer compliments sparingly, especially online. If everyone reading this remembers only one thing, let this be it! The less you compliment, the more each one will mean. I know that the urge to support each other is strong, and well intended, however offering hollow positive feedback online is a plague of the community. I cringe every time I see a gaudy picture with a string of comments on it of how awesome the person looks. There is a nuanced difference between encouragement and compliments… one does not always have to compliment to offer encouragement. Stray compliments serve only to reinforce bad habits.

• Structure comments in the following way: Praise, Suggestion, Praise. This is a strategy I learned while teaching music (a previous pastime of mine), and it is very effective at a positively structuring criticism. For example: “I can tell you’re really putting a lot of effort towards the way you present. Perhaps as you continue, try an A-line style to accentuate your hips. Overall though your look is very put-together.” The praise should always be honest, as it serves to soften the impact of the criticism and offer encouragement to the process of improving.

• Keep learning things yourself and encourage those you care about to learn as well. Suggest resources to help with learning presentation skills. Hint! Hint! Make learning a collective activity. Commit to not giving advice on things you don’t know about… it’s harder than it sounds, and finally learn the difference between your personal taste, and advice applicable to everyone.

• Take your own advice and lead by example. Sometimes the best “advice” a person can offer is to simply be a quiet example for others to follow. Strive to present well, be classy, and teach by showing rather than telling.

I would love to be an honest resource for anyone out there that needs help, I’m simply an email away. Even if its just a quick question, or a “Does this look alright?”, I’m happy to answer anything that I can.

As always, be sure to “like” A Stylish Transition on Facebook and share with all of your friends!

Shopping with Purpose

Hi Everyone! It's so nice to be back blogging after my looong high seas adventure. What was the first thing I did when I got back? Yep, you guessed it!

Let’s face it, I love shopping, and as my friends routinely point out to me, I have no qualms about spending my money… What could possibly go wrong, right?

Admittedly, this does tend to get me in trouble from time to time because I’ll end up with clothes I don’t need (is there really such a thing?), spend too much, or make somewhat questionable fashion choices in the heat of the moment while in the spirit of shopping. Trust me, I could do a “what not to wear” from my closet at times as easily as I could do a fashion blog. I’ll spare you the pain of seeing my previous shopping blunders. It is all good though! Why? Because we learn from our shopping mistakes… or at least we are about to start learning now ;-)

Given my history of somewhat frivolous shopping habits, I’ve taken to being diligent about shopping with purpose and with specific goals in mind. My latest shopping adventure proved to be a wonderful example of my new strategies successfully in motion.  I was lucky enough to find myself this past weekend at the Providence Place Mall (one of those insidious, three story malls with tons of stores). But before I get into what works for me when it comes to being an effective shopper, I want to talk a little about learning the stores you frequent and tailoring your expectations accordingly. During this particular trip I visited Forever 21, Express, and H&M. Knowledge of the ins and outs of each store comes with experience, so I’ll share mine with you now:

Forever 21 – As the name implies, F21 is targeted towards a younger crowd (teens and early twenties) and are sized to fit typical body types of that age group while being super “trendy”. Whenever I shop there, I ask myself “Is this age appropriate?” (I’m 28, so with many items, the answer is no). Luckily F21 has a huge variety of styles with several different lines, one caters to a slightly older, more contemporary look... this line is called “Love 21”, and is geared towards more adult body shapes, it usually has its own section in most locations. This is where I focus my efforts and find classier pieces that better fit my body and wardrobe.

Forever 21, in my experience, is pretty hit or miss… but has potential to offer unique hidden gems of creativity. Items are way cheaper than most places, which is awesome for shopping on a budget, however, as you may imagine sometimes (not all though) the quality suffers as a result. Clothes from F21 will fall apart, seams will come loose, there will be errors in stitching… its only a matter of time (I've often joked that the name means the clothes will only last 21 days, but thats probably a bit harsh). If you are ok with a little mending, you can easily sew things back together. If not, just set your expectations for your garments to have a limited lifetime. I encourage checking out F21 online to shop, the in-store locations are pretty jumbled, I sometimes feel like I’m literally rummaging through a teenage girl's room looking for clothes to borrow. The organization online makes finding things you want much easier.

Express – I love most pieces from Express, they have clean lines, sophistication, and just the right amount of femininity for my taste. Unfortunately, Express is also expensive, as many “name brands” can be. It pays big dividends to watch for sales at these places, they happen regularly, so be patient… twice a year or so they may even hit clearances where everything is 50% off (or more!). Don’t fall into the trap of paying full price, it takes a bit of vigilance to wait for the sale but it’s well worth it, especially for more expensive items. Express has a rewards program, many stores do, it’s not much, but saves you $10 here and there, every little bit helps! You can also shop online which is nice to catch quick sales and snipe a piece you’ve had your eye on in the store for a bargain.

The tailoring of Express clothing trends towards favoring more slender, less curvaceous body types and is subsequently more flattering for those who have more subtle curves (I fit into this category… one more reason Express is a good store for me). Not everything they sell fits that description, but its a definite trend in their lines. Also, I have found that sleeves on Express tops are always too narrow. Tops that fit me wonderfully across the back and chest are often pretty tight around my forearms. I work with it, but if you have more muscular arms, it may cause fit problems. Bottom line, if you're looking for higher quality, classy looking apparel, and don't mind spending more... Express is a good match for you.

H&M – H&M is another one of my favorites. It falls pretty nicely between "F21" and "Express" type stores, offering a reasonable range of prices, great clearance deals if you can catch them, and a solid variety of styles from which to chose. I’ve found sizing is pretty consistent without many quirks. The clothing tends to be geared towards more of the mid/late twenties age group and up on average; it still has some edgy/trendy vibes but airs usually more conservatively than F21. It is a shame there isn’t a location nearer to me or I would shop there more often. They have an online store, however I’ve never found it to be as helpfully accessible as other sites… not entirely sure why. 

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Given that these three are probably my most common stores to shop (aside from ideeli.com), I know my sizes in these stores by heart, so shopping at these locations (and online) is a bit faster and more reliable than at stores I’m not as accustomed to. I don’t always have to try everything on (though it never hurts and saves on returning items).

So, how do I go about shopping with purpose? There is no right or wrong way to shop, I firmly believe that shopping should make you happier! If it doesn’t, then try approaching it differently. Below are a few tips that keep me on track and happy whilst spending my hard earned money.

1. Set a budget – I’m probably the worst at this one, however setting a budget forces me to be a pickier shopper. Its good to be picky. If I can only spend $100, then I want to get the most for my money. That doesn’t necessarily mean buying a bunch of cheap items though, I want value, not quantity. For example, a nice $100 jacket that goes with everything, and I’ll wear often is so much more valuable in my wardrobe than 10, $10 tops that all look cheap.

2. Keep a Running List of what you Need or Want – Write it down or just remember it, however you want… there are always items we need either for an upcoming occasion, replacing a worn out piece, rounding out a gap in your wardrobe or jumping on the latest trend. The point of this list is to keep yourself focused in the sea of shiny, glamorous, advertisement filled stores designed to coax your hard earned money from your wallet. Having reminders of what I’m looking for helps me develop this jedi-like focus I need to not simply buy an entire store (if only I could!). I love using Pinterest to keep a list of wants and needs in picture form, its fun and useful! Check out the link to see my list in action. I also often provides motivation for shopping for me (as if I’m ever lacking motivation to shop!). Identifying things you’ll need in the future well ahead of time saves the stressful panic of trying to find things at the last minute.

3. Allow Yourself to be Fluid while Shopping – My best discoveries, as with most of life, are of things I wasn’t looking for to start. If something catches your eye, go for it! Let shopping inspire you. Don’t get locked into looking just for specific things on your list. Creativity comes from not being restricted.

4. Evaluate each Purchase before you buy – Ask yourself those difficult questions to really decide if something is right for you.

1.     Does this fit and is it flattering?

2.     Does it fit into my budget? Is it on sale? Or can I get this for less later? 

3.     Is this a stand alone piece? Or is it something likely to be used in combination with other things (layering, etc)? How does this go with the rest of my wardrobe?

4.     Do I have an occasion to wear this? Will I wear it often?

5.     Is this on my list of needs and wants?

6.     Does this fit my personality/style?

If you answer yes to all or most of these then it’s probably a great choice, if not… there are so many options out there, why settle for something that isn’t exactly what you want? If you are unsure of a piece, be sure of the return policy!

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Let's see how I did!

The Plan: Expanding my summer wardrobe by finding some cute, loose fitting tops, and a pair of nice white pants to be more of a staple piece. Oh! and explore... thats always part of the plan.

The Budget: $200 

The Results!

I ended up spending about $240, so not too far off my goal, but still over (yes, I'm still a work in progress). But! I ended up with 9 new items, so it was a good haul.

I bought several button up, flowy blouse tops at Express that are perfect for stylishly beating the heat as well as a found that pair of white pants on my list. One great thing about light colors on the bottom with darker colors on top is that it emphasizes your lower half, this is a great trick for those looking to lessen the appearance of broad shoulders. Take a look at one of the tops and the pants: 

Essentially I purchased everything I "needed" at Express, but since I went there first... I obviously had to check out my other favorite stores, just in case there were treasures to be found :-)

And there were!

Both this lovely creme, polka dot, tank top (F21) and the purple crop sweater (H&M) were amongst my purchases. I loved the color on the sweater (the pictures don't do it justice really), its soft, was basically a homerun in all the other evaluation categories too. Crop cuts (the bottom hem of the shirt is cut higher than normal hitting at the waist rather than the hips) help define the waist, which is usually flattering. Plus, it was only $10 and I know I’ll get plenty of use out of it throwing it over just about anything, probably my favorite purchase of the putting. The polka dot trend has recently struck my fancy so I figured this top from F21 would have possibilities as a bottom layer piece to add a fun, more feminine texture to an outfit (as you can see here). At $12 if it doesn’t work out, its not a big loss.

And more!

(with dramatic lighting)

This dark grey ruched sleeveless top (H&M) caught my eye and it fit, so the rest is history. I have a weakness for this gunmetal color which just so happens to be one of my colors! If you're looking to find your own best colors, check out my guide to color analysis. The ruching on the sides is super flattering. Ruching can be used to break up the body's true lines as well as hide any areas that may have a bit extra. It will be a great top for a night out. Now I just need someone to take me!

Thanks everyone! It's nice to be back blogging for you!

I'm pretty psyched about it, as is my wardrobe ;-) 

If you have any shopping tips please head to the "A Stylish Transition" Facebook page share!

As always, spread the love with a "Like" while you're there.