A reader emailed me (I really do enjoy hearing from people!),
suggesting a fabulous question and idea for a post topic:
“How do you tell someone you know who is Trans that they
need some help
with what to wear [and how to present]?”
Thank you so much for sending this suggestion in! I love this idea for two reasons. The first is that I see
this very issue as a huge impediment to how well the trans community as a whole
presents itself. Secondly, I think both the question itself and the answer
speak to the need for camaraderie within the trans community on a
personal level between individuals. The truth is that most trans-women must
learn presentations skills on their own, with very little help from others, and
no prior knowledge or experience from which to draw. Frankly, it’s a recipe for
disaster. What people truly need is a fashionable “sister” or “girl friend” to
help them along, unfortunately finding someone to fit that role isn’t always
easy. This is one of the reasons I started this blog. I hope that in a small
way I can fill in that role for folks who may not have someone like that in
their lives.
In a previous post, “Improving the Trans Community on an Individual Basis” I touched upon the foundation of ideas surrounding the way we
see ourselves, the way others see us, and how we are a combination of these two
views. I think it is a relevant discussion worth reading (or re-reading) as we
go further into the question at hand.
I have to be honest, this may be disagreeable to some, but
it’s a dis-service not to be candid. Realize that not everyone is qualified to
give advice, even with the best intentions. This is true for trans-women and
cis-gender women alike. Realize that “you” may not be qualified to give advice,
that’s fine, because everyone is qualified to learn more so that they can
eventually. What makes me qualified? I’ve had phenomenal teachers, I’m
passionate about the subject, I have relevant experience, and I spend a lot of
time researching to learn more. I’ll be the first to admit that I am always
learning and make plenty of mistakes, but I also believe in order to truly understand something, one must
be able to teach it to another. Learning to give advice is a perfect way to
truly internalize lessons for yourself as well as help others.
As you’ve probably notice by now, my style of suggestion
tries very hard to avoid saying “Don’t wear this, Don’t do that” though sometimes
its unavoidable. I think focusing on things that help, and things a person CAN
do is a much more positive way of learning. There’s too much advice floating
around out there about what not to do, its a negatively toned approach. I've always found that being positive is a better strategy.
Here are my tips for giving others advice, be warned, it’s a
dangerous business, and people are often vulnerable. With the right approach
however, it can make a world of difference for someone:
- Be sure it is someone you know personally and with whom you have developed a solid relationship. Never offer style advice to people you don’t know unless for some reason they specifically ask for it. It’s rude to approach someone solely for this purpose. If you really feel strongly that they need help, make friends with them, invest the time in a friendship and then offer your advice. Trust me, it will be much more warmly received. As painful as it may be to everyone else, some folks are stubborn and just don’t want advice… if you find someone like that, don’t waste your energy trying to “convert” them, eventually they’ll learn things despite themselves.
- Offer compliments sparingly, especially online. If everyone reading this remembers only one thing, let this be it! The less you compliment, the more each one will mean. I know that the urge to support each other is strong, and well intended, however offering hollow positive feedback online is a plague of the community. I cringe every time I see a gaudy picture with a string of comments on it of how awesome the person looks. There is a nuanced difference between encouragement and compliments… one does not always have to compliment to offer encouragement. Stray compliments serve only to reinforce bad habits.
- Structure comments in the following way: Praise, Suggestion, Praise. This is a strategy I learned while teaching music (a previous pastime of mine), and it is very effective at a positively structuring criticism. For example: “I can tell you’re really putting a lot of effort towards the way you present. Perhaps as you continue, try an A-line style to accentuate your hips. Overall though your look is very put-together.” The praise should always be honest, as it serves to soften the impact of the criticism and offer encouragement to the process of improving.
- Keep learning things yourself and encourage those you care about to learn as well. Suggest resources to help with learning presentation skills. Hint! Hint! Make learning a collective activity. Commit to not giving advice on things you don’t know about… it’s harder than it sounds, and finally learn the difference between your personal taste, and advice applicable to everyone.
- Take your own advice and
lead by example. Sometimes the best “advice” a person can offer is to
simply be a quiet example for others to follow. Strive to present well, be
classy, and teach by showing rather than telling.
I would love to be an honest resource for anyone out there
that needs help, I’m simply an email away. Even if its just a quick question,
or a “Does this look alright?”, I’m happy to answer anything that I can.
As always, be sure to “like” A Stylish Transition on Facebook and share with all of your friends!
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