How to Offer Style Advice to Others

A reader emailed me (I really do enjoy hearing from people!), suggesting a fabulous question and idea for a post topic:

 

“How do you tell someone you know who is Trans that they need some help 

with what to wear [and how to present]?”

Thank you so much for sending this suggestion in! I love this idea for two reasons. The first is that I see this very issue as a huge impediment to how well the trans community as a whole presents itself. Secondly, I think both the question itself and the answer speak to the need for camaraderie within the trans community on a personal level between individuals. The truth is that most trans-women must learn presentations skills on their own, with very little help from others, and no prior knowledge or experience from which to draw. Frankly, it’s a recipe for disaster. What people truly need is a fashionable “sister” or “girl friend” to help them along, unfortunately finding someone to fit that role isn’t always easy. This is one of the reasons I started this blog. I hope that in a small way I can fill in that role for folks who may not have someone like that in their lives.

In a previous post, “Improving the Trans Community on an Individual Basis” I touched upon the foundation of ideas surrounding the way we see ourselves, the way others see us, and how we are a combination of these two views. I think it is a relevant discussion worth reading (or re-reading) as we go further into the question at hand.

I have to be honest, this may be disagreeable to some, but it’s a dis-service not to be candid. Realize that not everyone is qualified to give advice, even with the best intentions. This is true for trans-women and cis-gender women alike. Realize that “you” may not be qualified to give advice, that’s fine, because everyone is qualified to learn more so that they can eventually. What makes me qualified? I’ve had phenomenal teachers, I’m passionate about the subject, I have relevant experience, and I spend a lot of time researching to learn more. I’ll be the first to admit that I am always learning and make plenty of mistakes, but I also believe in order to truly understand something, one must be able to teach it to another. Learning to give advice is a perfect way to truly internalize lessons for yourself as well as help others.

As you’ve probably notice by now, my style of suggestion tries very hard to avoid saying “Don’t wear this, Don’t do that” though sometimes its unavoidable. I think focusing on things that help, and things a person CAN do is a much more positive way of learning. There’s too much advice floating around out there about what not to do, its a negatively toned approach. I've always found that being positive is a better strategy.

Here are my tips for giving others advice, be warned, it’s a dangerous business, and people are often vulnerable. With the right approach however, it can make a world of difference for someone:

• Be sure it is someone you know personally and with whom you have developed a solid relationship. Never offer style advice to people you don’t know unless for some reason they specifically ask for it. It’s rude to approach someone solely for this purpose. If you really feel strongly that they need help, make friends with them, invest the time in a friendship and then offer your advice. Trust me, it will be much more warmly received. As painful as it may be to everyone else, some folks are stubborn and just don’t want advice… if you find someone like that, don’t waste your energy trying to “convert” them, eventually they’ll learn things despite themselves.

• Offer compliments sparingly, especially online. If everyone reading this remembers only one thing, let this be it! The less you compliment, the more each one will mean. I know that the urge to support each other is strong, and well intended, however offering hollow positive feedback online is a plague of the community. I cringe every time I see a gaudy picture with a string of comments on it of how awesome the person looks. There is a nuanced difference between encouragement and compliments… one does not always have to compliment to offer encouragement. Stray compliments serve only to reinforce bad habits.

• Structure comments in the following way: Praise, Suggestion, Praise. This is a strategy I learned while teaching music (a previous pastime of mine), and it is very effective at a positively structuring criticism. For example: “I can tell you’re really putting a lot of effort towards the way you present. Perhaps as you continue, try an A-line style to accentuate your hips. Overall though your look is very put-together.” The praise should always be honest, as it serves to soften the impact of the criticism and offer encouragement to the process of improving.

• Keep learning things yourself and encourage those you care about to learn as well. Suggest resources to help with learning presentation skills. Hint! Hint! Make learning a collective activity. Commit to not giving advice on things you don’t know about… it’s harder than it sounds, and finally learn the difference between your personal taste, and advice applicable to everyone.

• Take your own advice and lead by example. Sometimes the best “advice” a person can offer is to simply be a quiet example for others to follow. Strive to present well, be classy, and teach by showing rather than telling.

I would love to be an honest resource for anyone out there that needs help, I’m simply an email away. Even if its just a quick question, or a “Does this look alright?”, I’m happy to answer anything that I can.

As always, be sure to “like” A Stylish Transition on Facebook and share with all of your friends!

Concept of Line

            You may have heard the term “line” in reference to of a variety of topics from clothing to body types (or even waiting to check out at a big sale!). The term is also used extensively in the study of dance to describe the position or fluidity of a dancer’s body and motions. Longer, flowing lines and softened curves are often considered to be the more feminine and sensual. This is precisely why you see a ballerina pointing her toes! As you might imagine, women’s fashion tends to place emphasis on these qualities to emphasize a feminine look. A simple example of elongation of lines is the most iconic symbol of women’s fashion, high heels. Heels create a more vertical foot position, which adds to the length of the line of the leg. Just like the ballerina’s pointed toes, this creates the effect of longer, more feminine legs.

            However, not all lines on the body benefit from becoming longer. In fact, on many lines, the opposite is true. To better understand this; let’s take a look at the difference between typical male and female bodies. Consider the 4 lines I have drawn on the figures below: Shoulder, Bust, Waist and Hips (You may recognize 3 of the 4 as being the important measurements to know… no coincidence there).

Even if you’re not acutely aware of all the differences between genders, it should come as no surprise that men have broader shoulders, narrower hips and overall less variation between bust/waist/hip lines (a less curvy figure). In contrast, women have narrower shoulders, wider hips and a greater ratio between bust/waist/hip sizes (creating the typical feminine curves). Another important difference to note is that a woman's waist (the narrowest part of the torso) is located several inches above her belly button, where as the typical male waist line is right around the belly button. Despite variations in body shapes, as transgender women we usually seek to mold a male shape into feminine proportions by changing the length of our lines (or creating the illusion of change) in the following ways:

-       Reducing the width (length) of the shoulder line.

-       Increasing/decreasing our bust line. (I’m relatively skinny, so I try to increase my bust line, though more built individuals may want to focus on decreasing this line)

-       Decreasing the waist line

-       Increasing the hip line

I have only brought up these 4 lines to illustrate the concept of bodyline, however there are many more lines that define our bodies, which should be considered in the same way. For example, we must also consider the length and width of our arms and legs, size and shape of our face, etc. When you hear someone say that a particular style is unflattering, that simply means it is having the opposite effect of either creating length when reduction is needed, or shortening lines that should be elongated.

All this may sound like a tall order, however it is nothing that natural born women haven’t been doing forever either ;-) Luckily, there are many, many ways fashion can help us to achieve all these goals.

Beginnings

I don’t want to get too bogged down with the basics so we can get to exploring the fun stuff, however, it is important to acknowledge that the begins of any adventure in fashion come from learning your body, and finding your own personal style.

Learning your body:

Honestly knowing your body is the foundation of learning how best to find a style that not only expresses your personality, but also flatters and achieves a more genuinely feminine image. Here is a list of the 4 things I believe help give you a complete picture of the canvas that you have to paint with your own personal style.

1. Learn your measurements: Hips, Waist and Chest are the three measurements that are referenced most frequently in sizing charts. A quick Internet search can lead you to detailed instructions on taking your measurements. I always keep a fabric measure tape handy in hopes that its presence will encourage my body to change quicker… it hasn’t worked yet, but being able to track changes in your measurements can be rewarding as hormones do their thing.
2. Learn your troublesome areas: As trans-women, we generally all face several common physical characteristics that make feminine lines tougher to achieve. Broader shoulders, subdued curves, built-up musculature or chiseled facial features can all undermine that quintessential female look. Identifying these areas allows you to make smart choices in what styles you work into your look. As I write, I’ll do my best to try and address what I do to help these areas.
3. Learn your awesome areas: Do you have long, lean legs? Blessed with a narrower waist? Softer jawline? Fabulous! Accentuating the positives is just as important as coping with the troublesome areas. As the saying goes: if you got it, flaunt it!
4. Recognize diversity: Always remind yourself that all women (both trans and cisgender) have unique sizes and shapes, and we all deal with the same problems… luckily there are many fun, stylish ways to cope with all of them, so don’t let it get you down if it is a struggle at first.

Finding your personal style:

Finding one’s “style” is a constantly evolving process that changes with everything from moods to the seasons themselves. Think of it as continuous trial and error. My start saw more than a fair share of blunders … I’m constantly making mistakes, learning from them, and evolving to make new mistakes. I’ve heard people argue that there is “no right or wrong when it comes to fashion”… I disagree. Though tastes and trends vary… I will say this, if you want to look good, there are right ways to do things and wrong ways.

So how do you choose a look or style to make your own? With so many options out there reflecting a broad spectrum of personalities, it can be a daunting task just starting out. What I found worked best for me was to simply note what women are wearing that I find myself most drawn to. On a daily basis I find myself distracted by a cool outfit or unique accessory worn by a passerby. I find women I wish to emulate, be they in everyday life, in magazines, on TV or online and make note of what I like. For example, one of my favorite people to watch is Robin from “How I Met Your Mother”... I'd love to get my hands on her wardrobe. Also, If you haven’t discovered Pinterest yet, it is the perfect tool for this… once you have a collection of ideas, its easy to start playing with things and see what works. Another important thing to maximize the success of this is to try to find women who have characteristics that match your own. For example… I’m a 28 year old, 5’10” tall, brunette, so if I see a cute outfit on a petite, blonde teenager, chances are it will not look nearly as cute on me (though I’ve been guilty many times of trying to force the issue). With experience, I’ve slowly been able to get a sense for what will look good on me, which has allowed me to observe a much wider range of people for ideas.

To see an example of this in action check out my Pinterest page

Go ahead and subscribe if you’d like to follow along!